Mid 20s, Maiden names and Marriages: My Thoughts on Marriage

 

Let’s make a bet, if you don’t know at least one person who got married in 2023, I owe you a “you have received” message on MOMO. I was among the previous group by the beginning of this year and amazingly the year is gonna end with me owning wedding outfits I could easily start a business with. Before you roll your eyes maybe it is a small business, why can’t anybody take a joke in 2023 lol? My closest high school friends clearly had a meeting and agreed they can’t end the year unhitched. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for them but again aren’t we teenagers? I am like why are you guys partaking in child marriages, you are basically child brides because why do I feel like it’s yesterday that we were running around class like madwomen. How do you go from the innocent kids we were to full blown adults and you are sealing it with a marriage, before we know it you will be parents? Somebody put a pause on time because this thing is doing the most.

Personally, I have a long list of why I can’t get married soon. Well, let’s pretend you care about my reasons of not wanting to be wed ASAP. First of all, why are you leaving home to live with a stranger you have not known for a decade at least (assuming you did); why do they say you gotta live together till death do you apart in good health or bad health, wealth or poverty, etc. Like sir, this person has no responsibility to do that, you are not related. Let’s say that they do it out of love, but have you at least ever cleaned where somebody has puked or worse have you tried to crack a joke in a room full of hungry people?  It is easy to say love is stronger than everything, but if you ask me that is not out of love, that right there my friend will be from commitment. But again, what do I know about love or commitment?

Secondly (trigger warning), when it comes to some African men; two things are involved; number one you should be a girl raised, and fed by a patriarchal society. Number two, you believe in patriarchy yourself because chile, there’s no in between. Picture this, you(wife) gets from 8 hours of capitalism work and get home to a house with all sorts of household chores waiting on you, a husband to tend to, and children to care for if you have them. I was going to say if you are lucky, you will marry somebody who will help you, but I remember reading this one book by Chimamanda Adichie saying that it shouldn’t be luck, that is both your responsibilities. I feel scared for my life after this sentence because all the PICK MEs are coming for me as well as the patriarchy beneficiaries whom gender is labelled (M) on government paperwork. Whenever I hear a woman saying she hates feminism, I equate this to victims of Stockholm Syndrome to be honest! Imagine the manipulation you had to go through to believe that you being the second gender is good for you. Think about it, if the tables were turned, would you accept to let go of power? I know that’s right, no you wouldn’t; then why is it so hard to understand that men will do all it takes to not let go of the privileges they have? I don’t know if people know this but after being white, being male is the second privilege on planet Earth. Mais revenos a nos moutons les amis, I can’t be treated less than a man(male) all day within the corporate world and get home to be a house maid too, sorry. This is a debate for another day but don’t throw them stones at me, I also blame and thank my dad who made sure I understand books/being smart is more important than anything else including learning to cook. This man ensured I develop this sense of competition and a desire to sit on top of the world as the African Giant said. So  sisters,  if we are getting married to these men either you take it all in or wait for the one with similar views/beliefs.

Lastly, how can I set myself for failure by vowing to do something I rarely saw in society? That thing being love! I need the whole country to assemble for this one and all roads will lead to therapists, family counselors, you name it. Do we do this on purpose or maybe is it not important? I am talking about marrying for love in Rwanda. When I hear the reasons people marry, my eyes bulge out and I don’t have calf eyes like that lol! So if it was up to me; I would first go to therapy heal all my trauma, practice self-love. Ok, this is a bonus but I hope people understand that skin bleaching, getting high and drunk 7 days of the week aren't self-love(y’all seem to have it messed up). When we heal, then we can really love our significant others the right way not from our convulsed psyches, abeg.

Whew, ladies and gents, this was a bitter potion but don’t shoot the messenger. I am a hopeless romantic myself, it is just that there are still a lot of gaps and gray areas in my mind trying to link the concept of marriages with the most messed up stuff smeared with holy anointing absolved in the name of the holy union. Can I get an Amen from the church of God? Stay safe and marry for the right reasons, folks. Until next time.